Journal'ism'

Taken from black notebook #2

Dec. 2, 2006

So as I see it today is the last of my big anniversaries. It was one year ago today that I stepped back on to stage. I was a bald headed bag of bones, weak as could be but finally back where I belonged: under a rig of hot lights with a piano, a band and some songs to sing. My relationship with performing has always been a strange one. As a boy I wrote music because it brought me peace. I played for 8 hours a day, constantly imagining a night where I might look out upon a thousand silhouettes, not seeing a single face, but knowing they were mine to sing for. I kept playing. As I got older I found stages, not the ones I had imagined but still, places I could go where just putting my hands on the keys was enough to make me numb from the fingertips up. I craved the sound of an untamed room: a church, a talent show, a dive bar. I sought stages like a junky did a fix, and today, for me, the 2nd of December, encapsulates one of my truest loves. The concert.
Over the years I have had those nights I dreamt of, staring into the blackness knowing that it was staring back at me. Those thousands of silhouettes I had always hoped would show up often do now. Some nights I look out at them, at you, half-lit and singing and it's like I'm fulfilling some destiny, other times I'm as lost as anyone whishing I could just make these sounds in the dark. Some would say that a life on the road is not the normal human experience, but what is? Since I can remember I have been a troubadour. I grew up moving from city to city, starting a new life every few years. And in a lot of ways nothing has changed
At night when the show is through and most people are asleep we travel the highways, usually I sleep too, but some nights I sit shotgun, rarely having the slightest idea where I am. You'd think by now I'd know the lay of this great land but I prefer the not knowing. It's like I'm constantly stealing away, leaving the past in some unknown city, leaning forward, hope stretching out on the dark horizon. Yes, you can get lost out here and sometimes I do. In all honesty, this life I’ve chosen has stranded me more times than I care to admit, but it’s that push and pull; the moment where all is forgotten and a stage is pure music…that’s why we do this. That’s why my home is people not places and why I lean on the horizon like a dying man with one last thing to see.
I am lucky. I did not choose this life it chose me. It’s strange like that. Not picking my path, but rather easing into the water and letting it carry me where it will. Yes, there will be nights where I feel like my destiny is at my fingertips and there will be nights I wish the lights were off and I could just make these sounds in the dark. Still, I will always be there, wherever there might be, staring into the blackness hoping the blackness stares back at me.

Comments

[Leah B.]

sometimes, not knowing where you are headed is one of the greatest gifts you can ask for. you may not know where you are headed but.. you do know that great things, whether good or bad are on the other side of that dark horizon, waiting to greet you.. to possibly pass you by without second thought or maybe to change your life. that's the beauty of not knowing.. unforgettable things will catch you by surprise.

as crazy as my life is i cannot say i chose it either. sometimes people ask me why i choose to do the things i do, and the answer is i don't. after that first show, april 14, 2006, things just happened and the shows came and went one after anothing. some of my greatest memories from this year and from my life have come out of being one of those thousand silhouettes on many different nights in many different places.

thanks for the year. thanks for having the strength to get back on stage for all of us, but most of all for yourself. you are like a magnet that has drawn a big group of kids together, changing our lives and making them memorable.

all the best, and have a good tour and a wonderful wedding. and i hope you liked the hand sanitizer... yeah

love always, leah

PS TINSLEY LIKED THIS BLOG i was just on the phone with her for everyones info.

[Jenna]

"That’s why my home is people not places and why I lean on the horizon like a dying man with one last thing to see."

wow how is it that you became such a good writer? i love reading anything you say. or listening to any word that you wrote.

its so beautiful
when i was in about 8th grade i kinda thought about being a writer
and writing something that people would want to read
creating something that would make people listen to me
like i had some sort of big idea that no one had ever heard of, or some originality that no one else had

then i got wise and thought that it would never happen, it would never work as a career and i'd never have time to do it. who reads books anyways?

but everytime i read something by you , or listen to any song, soco songs too
i just feel motivated, like maybe i really could write something
maybe i really could make a difference like you and hopefully i'll find the courage one day to try just like you

thank you for being my inspiration i'll keep writing comments no matter what because i love you
sorry the note is so long

happy holidays :)
jenna

[Anna]

wow,

this post made me cry.
you're incredible.

forever yours to sing to and one of thousands of silhouettes that you inspire more than anyone else in the world,
Anna <3

[steph k]

hi you are amazing. happy one year.

[leigh rice]

i can't believe how surreal this is. a year ago. you are a fighter and i can't believe an entire year has passed. it seems that with the last of these anniversaries, that haunted year is almost completely behind you.

we're all incredibly proud of you. i'll see you the 24th, 25th, and 26th of february for an amazing weekend of shows.

keep inspiring us like only you know how.
and congratulations on everything.
:-)

<3 leigh

[Evelyn]

wow. Andrew, you are amazing and just a aninspiration to me, and of course, all those other thousands of silhouettes that sing along with you. I really enjoy your blogs, and am constantly checking it. I'm so moved by your words, and love your shows. :) Hopefully, you come to MIAMI, FLORIDA. You are incredible, honest, and just so Amazing! Have a great one, and happy holidays :)

[ashley]

okay now that i have stopped crying
i will leave you a comment.

once again i am left speachless by
your words. i really don't know what to
say.

you are phenomenal Andrew.
i will always be here for you
to sing to and i'm sure everyone
else will say the same.

[Gina]

Wow Andrew ...
I dont know how you do it. Whether it is with your words in your lyrics, in person, or on here you always captivate my heart. Maybe its in your passion, I don't know. It must be, because to go out and do whatyou do every night, just for the love of making music for the faceless creatures who are there to listen to it- gosh Andrew. You are just so amazing, and I hope you know that each one of us, though you cannot see it on our faces each night are nothing less but overjoyed each time we hear even the first notes or sounds come from you. You are such a strong, wonderful, and willful person to do what you do for us, and I think I speak for all when I say we cannot be more greatful. Thank you so much, and happy 1 year anniversary. Hopefully you will have a great night either performing or resting tonight knowing that there are millions of us thinking about you and wishing you well at this moment. Take care, see you Feb 21st.

love always,

*gina

[Jaime]

Congratulations on your 1 year back on stage. I'm so thankful that you're back to doing the thing that you love. I've been the silhouette staring back at you from the black twice now, and come February I will be again - which is another thing that I am so thankful for. Thank you for fulfilling the destiny that chose you Andrew, because I can't imagine what life would be without your amazing heart in music.

*hugs*
Love ya!
Jaime

[Caite]

Y'know, there are moments in everyone's day when they think that they may be just a little alone. A little different. Afraid to say what they really want to feel. But this blog made me believe that there IS someone like me out there...Andrew - your music has defined important moments in my life and I can only hope that someday, I can hear someone say the same for me. Thank you for being an inspiration and thank you for connecting to us (your fans ;-D) like this...it's special to all of us. I'll see ya in Feb!

Take care love,
Caite

[Rachel]

that was beautiful

[Joelle]

Tonight was one of those nights where I thought to myself "I should check the blog" and sure enough there was a new entry. Your words brought me to tears as they always do.

[rachelle]

every time you say something you bring me to tears. listening to you always makes me feel things I never feel any other time. you are so incredible.

Happy 1 year! lots of love rachelle xoxox

[Bridget]

everyday i visit your blogs to see if you post, and when you do, it makes my day 1000 times better. happy anniversary, you really do deserve the best. never change. we all love you!

[lauren alysse]

andrew-
that was beautiful. i love how i can read your blog and relate so deeply that it scares me. but it is those snipets from your mind that brighten every day i read them, and on particularly bright days, make them even brighter.
see you in february!

[. . .]

you have an amazing gift for words. . . everything you write seems so poetic and meaningful, i dont understand it, but i dont have to. i havent any words, they arent really necessary this time.

[a TEAM of FUN!]

You can count on me to be one of those half-lit singing faces.
Keep playing, smiling and believing.

ALLIE!!!!

[kate]

wow.

andrew mcmahon, you just made my night.

see you in washington

[Emily]

today definitely is one of your biggest anniversaries. although i was not one of the lucky ones to be able to be at the comeback show, i was one in the group of your Messengers that congregated that night in JMchat to wish, together, that we were all there. and the day i met you and saw my first Jack's show... there is yet to be a day in my life that is more amazing.

thank you for EVERYTHING, Andrew. i only wish that i could give back to you something comparable to what you've given me.

<3 always.

[Kristen]

ah Andrew, you have no idea how badly I needed that blog today. This time last year I was crying because I was so happy you were getting back on stage and wishing I could be there to see you. Today(right before you posted this blog, oddly enough) I was upset because of one of my truest loves, and yours, the concert(the only difference being you play them & I watch them). It just got to me how once again my Mom can't seem to understand how important concerts are to me. Being there listening to my favorite bands live just takes me to a place where I can smile and forget whatever may be bothering or upsetting me. It's when I'm happiest and somehow my family can't understand and they're constantly putting it down, which is tearing me down every time they do.

I don't know what I would do without music, your music in particular, so thank you for that and for being who you are, because you personally have made me smile when I needed it more times than I could even tell you(i.e. this blog). As I read this blog I started crying again, but the important thing is that I had a smile on my face because they were very happy tears. We're so lucky to have you and I'm so happy that we could help your dream come true!

Have fun & stay safe on the road! I'll see you in NYC & hopefully one or two other places in February :-)

Happy Anniversary!!!
<3

--Kris

[Devon]

I must say that your writing abilities are phenomenal. I wish I could express myself in such ways, but I am unfortunately lacking in such an ability.

Anyway, I just thought I should inform you that you have wicked awesome talents, and I'm glad that you don't think negatively of it, and the lifestyle that comes along with it, because a hardcore amount of musicians do

Devon
p.s seeing you in Toronto again on Feb. -extremely anticipating it.

[Laura]

You are an amazing person Andrew. You really truly are.

[Vicky]

wow your blogs always amaze me andrew. i love your way with words and wish i could write as beautifully as you. congrats on the 1yr of stem cell transplant; 1year anniversary of the comeback show :] right now a year ago i was probably waiting outside to get into SIR. and since i'm east coast time it seems now you took the stage. i can't believe what a year it's been. today has given me the chills for sure but i'm definitely overjoyed that you did so much in a year and got to live the "normal" routine. youre the most important person to me and i'm so glad that i got to experience dec2 2005 with you. congrats again. i miss you but february is going to rock!
take care and have a happy holiday<3
love, vicky

[ashley]

Its insane thinking about it as opposed to now. You had no hair and weighed about 5 pounds but you got up there and played your heart out. Its amazing.

I wish there were more people out there committed to what they want to do. Including me. I can't wait to find the one thing that I am so passionate about that will make me want to go out and do under any circumstance.

I have no words to describe you. You truly are amazing. And trust me it is very difficult to make me speechless.

I'm so glad I was able to be apart of that night.

[Grace]

Happy 1 Year!
Your blogs always leave me speechless for a while cause it always takes a bit of time for everything to sink in. Your writing is just phenomenal. And know that your fans are absolutely dedicated to you and will always be the silhouettes in the crowd, fulfilling your dream. Can't wait till Dec. 9 at SD.

Grace