Journal'ism'

Taken from black notebook #2

Dec. 2, 2006

So as I see it today is the last of my big anniversaries. It was one year ago today that I stepped back on to stage. I was a bald headed bag of bones, weak as could be but finally back where I belonged: under a rig of hot lights with a piano, a band and some songs to sing. My relationship with performing has always been a strange one. As a boy I wrote music because it brought me peace. I played for 8 hours a day, constantly imagining a night where I might look out upon a thousand silhouettes, not seeing a single face, but knowing they were mine to sing for. I kept playing. As I got older I found stages, not the ones I had imagined but still, places I could go where just putting my hands on the keys was enough to make me numb from the fingertips up. I craved the sound of an untamed room: a church, a talent show, a dive bar. I sought stages like a junky did a fix, and today, for me, the 2nd of December, encapsulates one of my truest loves. The concert.
Over the years I have had those nights I dreamt of, staring into the blackness knowing that it was staring back at me. Those thousands of silhouettes I had always hoped would show up often do now. Some nights I look out at them, at you, half-lit and singing and it's like I'm fulfilling some destiny, other times I'm as lost as anyone whishing I could just make these sounds in the dark. Some would say that a life on the road is not the normal human experience, but what is? Since I can remember I have been a troubadour. I grew up moving from city to city, starting a new life every few years. And in a lot of ways nothing has changed
At night when the show is through and most people are asleep we travel the highways, usually I sleep too, but some nights I sit shotgun, rarely having the slightest idea where I am. You'd think by now I'd know the lay of this great land but I prefer the not knowing. It's like I'm constantly stealing away, leaving the past in some unknown city, leaning forward, hope stretching out on the dark horizon. Yes, you can get lost out here and sometimes I do. In all honesty, this life I’ve chosen has stranded me more times than I care to admit, but it’s that push and pull; the moment where all is forgotten and a stage is pure music…that’s why we do this. That’s why my home is people not places and why I lean on the horizon like a dying man with one last thing to see.
I am lucky. I did not choose this life it chose me. It’s strange like that. Not picking my path, but rather easing into the water and letting it carry me where it will. Yes, there will be nights where I feel like my destiny is at my fingertips and there will be nights I wish the lights were off and I could just make these sounds in the dark. Still, I will always be there, wherever there might be, staring into the blackness hoping the blackness stares back at me.

Comments

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[Rachel]

Andrew,
omg you rock! Your music is so inspiring! Thanks! I think it's incredible how optomistic you are after everything you'v been through. I love Jack's Mannequin. It's the best ever! Can you guys come to Virginia???????? PLEASE!!!!!!! On the coast, if posible:-). omg my parents won't let me go to your concert in D.C cause it's at a club. Oh well. I have ballet class that day anyway....like every other day. Congrats on coming back to the stage. Luv ya guys. Your Biggest Fan on the East Coast, Rachel~~~

[xxamandaa]

I am so glad you're okay, it makes me realize how precious life really is. I made an amazingly interesting discovery today- add an m to my la lie and you get lalime which is my last name. Okay so it isnt that amazing but I still think its cool.

[xxamandaa]

I am so glad you're okay, it makes me realize how precious life really is. I made an amazingly interesting discovery today- add an m to my la lie and you get lalime which is my last name. Okay so it isnt that amazing but I still think its cool.

[xxamandaa]

ahh didn't mean to post twice. sorry andrew I am not a spammer!

[Kelly]

this is still my favorite blog of all time. it makes me feel like life is pretty okay. I <3 Andrew.

[Kelly]

So I know that this blog was written almost five months ago, but I was reading through the past blogs and this one just stood out. there are many things in this blog that i love and that touched me.
First, I love the story of playing for this imaginary sea of silhouettes... I can picture it and it just looks so poetic. Similarly, I think I can relate with my writing. I don't plan to be a famous writer or anything (mostly because I can never commit to something long enough and I am horrible with deadlines) but I think I've felt the same way. Initially I wrote for me, because it was away to pour emotions on to a page where I could look at them. but i guess i have similarly imagined that people (or even just one person) would read what i wrote and sometimes i think i write for that imaginary audience.
the second thing is how you described the driving at night on the dark highways. I love driving at night... mostly because there are often few other cars on the road and the sky can be so dark and clear. But I also connect with what you said about not wanting to know where you are. Normally I am a perfectionist and I need to know things, but I've grown to love the mystery of things. There is something about driving at night that just holds such peace and clarity.
Sorry that this comment is so long, I just felt a need to put all of that out there - in the great abyss.
<33 Kelly
ps please come back to long island or geneseo! =) i was at the geneseo concert and i tried to get there early and hang around after, but i heard that you guys had to leave right after the show or something. i was really sad i didn't get to meet you but it was still one of the most amazing nights of my life! Besides, it gives me another goal to work for: to meet you!

[Jess]

Simply amazing.

You truley make it clear how life is worth living with every waking moment.

It makes me want to go out and sing in the streets, maybe roll out my piano in the middle of the road singing my hear out while people gather around giving me a little taste of this dream you live everyday.

[Diana]

You are absolutely amazing. Keep doing what you do because you do it very well. :D

[Calliope]

It's passionate artists like you that make music my life.

Thanks.