Journal'ism'

Taken from black notebook #2

Dec. 2, 2006

So as I see it today is the last of my big anniversaries. It was one year ago today that I stepped back on to stage. I was a bald headed bag of bones, weak as could be but finally back where I belonged: under a rig of hot lights with a piano, a band and some songs to sing. My relationship with performing has always been a strange one. As a boy I wrote music because it brought me peace. I played for 8 hours a day, constantly imagining a night where I might look out upon a thousand silhouettes, not seeing a single face, but knowing they were mine to sing for. I kept playing. As I got older I found stages, not the ones I had imagined but still, places I could go where just putting my hands on the keys was enough to make me numb from the fingertips up. I craved the sound of an untamed room: a church, a talent show, a dive bar. I sought stages like a junky did a fix, and today, for me, the 2nd of December, encapsulates one of my truest loves. The concert.
Over the years I have had those nights I dreamt of, staring into the blackness knowing that it was staring back at me. Those thousands of silhouettes I had always hoped would show up often do now. Some nights I look out at them, at you, half-lit and singing and it's like I'm fulfilling some destiny, other times I'm as lost as anyone whishing I could just make these sounds in the dark. Some would say that a life on the road is not the normal human experience, but what is? Since I can remember I have been a troubadour. I grew up moving from city to city, starting a new life every few years. And in a lot of ways nothing has changed
At night when the show is through and most people are asleep we travel the highways, usually I sleep too, but some nights I sit shotgun, rarely having the slightest idea where I am. You'd think by now I'd know the lay of this great land but I prefer the not knowing. It's like I'm constantly stealing away, leaving the past in some unknown city, leaning forward, hope stretching out on the dark horizon. Yes, you can get lost out here and sometimes I do. In all honesty, this life I’ve chosen has stranded me more times than I care to admit, but it’s that push and pull; the moment where all is forgotten and a stage is pure music…that’s why we do this. That’s why my home is people not places and why I lean on the horizon like a dying man with one last thing to see.
I am lucky. I did not choose this life it chose me. It’s strange like that. Not picking my path, but rather easing into the water and letting it carry me where it will. Yes, there will be nights where I feel like my destiny is at my fingertips and there will be nights I wish the lights were off and I could just make these sounds in the dark. Still, I will always be there, wherever there might be, staring into the blackness hoping the blackness stares back at me.

Comments

[saraabeth]

AHHHHH FIRST COMMENT! omg, thats insane. wow. okay, i have to go tell sean, and do a real comment later

[devon]

I was just thinking about this show in the car coming home and how much i wish i was there.
this year has been crazy and you've come so far.
you're amazing, see you soon<3

[saraaabeth]

okay. now for my real comment. that was very deep. and i loved it. i dont really know what to say, but in my last comment a promised a real one, so im trying to give it to you. so pretty much, whoever is at your show tonight are lucky little sons of bitches. if you're having a show tonight. i dont know, i dont memorize your tour schedule;-)

[saraaabeth]

okay. now for my real comment. that was very deep. and i loved it. i dont really know what to say, but in my last comment a promised a real one, so im trying to give it to you. so pretty much, whoever is at your show tonight are lucky little sons of bitches. if you're having a show tonight. i dont know, i dont memorize your tour schedule;-)

[Lizzy]

That made me cry.
honestly, it did.
This is why I check your blogs every couple of hours, because everything you write has so much meaning...
I don't really know what to say, but I just wanted to tell you that you're amazing. You really are.
Thank you so much.

[*jessi*]

andrew--
you brought a tear to my eye with that one lol...but i'm actually serious.
the show last year must have been amazing. i really wish i could have been there.
i can't imagine how it is to live the life that you do. maybe it's not normal, but like you said, what is? it sounds tiring, but pretty freaking awesome for the most part.
i'm glad that you're able to fulfill the dream that you've had in your heart for so long. and just remember...those silhouettes are not only singing back to you, but they're lost in your music. it means everything to them. and they appreciate everything you do. and they thank you.

love,
jessi xox

[Jenna]

Tomorrow...
I will be one of those silouettes, in the crowd, staring back, singing every word that you wrote and are singing to me.
Tomorrow...
Is our duet! Me, you, a thousand other people, singing together.
<3

[Kristy]

I agree with Lizzy. The way you write and speak is so eloquent and it makes me kinda jealous. I'm an English major and I thought I wrote pretty well until you started writing these blogs. Maybe I should rethink my major? haha

But anyways, I bought tickets today for your Feb 16th show in Chicago and I'm totally psyched. I think I saw you in concert 5 or 6 times this year and met you twice (which rocked). The days that I go to your concerts are the best days of my life. The passion that you show through music is incredible. It gives me hope for the future. You have been through so much with being sick and all and you still go on stage and rock like no other. You show me that it's okay to be scared and it's okay to be sad but you will always make it through somehow.

Thank you for writing music and going out on stage every night with a possitive message. Because, I'm sure a lot of people will agree with me, your shows are our escape just as much as they are yours....

See you at the next show....

[Monica]

Andrew, you never cease to amaze me. No one rocks the stage quite like you do. I can't wait to see you in February!

[ALY]

It's one thing when someone writes beautiful songs like you do, and it's another thing when they just write beautifully in general. This blog that you have makes me realize how much talent you actually have in addition to the talent of performing.

Congrats on the anniversary... I appreciate the attitude that you have at shows, it gives off a positive vibe to all of us silhouettes in the audience. Can't wait 'til I'm one of them again at the DC show!

[Lex]

i remember that night. although i was stuck here in new jersey, a friend of mine flew out to see you, and i was lucky enough for her to call me. it was around 330 am on the east coast, and i was left in total darkness listening to your voice thousands of miles away.

never stop inspiring us.
see you soon <3

[Jordan]

wow.... i just love you more with everything you say. Keep us inspired.

I LOVE YOUUU =]

[annie g]

i dont even know what to say....except maybe, thank you and to tell you how truly happy we all are that you're here. even though i couldn't be at the dec2 show, the anniversary of the day is still one that i can smile at and be grateful for.

see you in february :]
annie g.

[Marisa]

I've been sitting around in awe all day at how amazing it is that that day was an entire year ago. It's crazy to think how much has gone in in this year alone, and how most of it I have you to thank for it. I have met the greatest people through your band and going to see you, I can't even wrap my mind around it.

Thank you so much, i'll be seeing you quite a few times in February. I will most deffiently be a part of that blackness staring back at you as many times as I can haha :)

Best wishes,
Marisa

[Terra]

congrats on the amazing year you've givin to all thoes silhouettes! i bet that your show tonight will be just as meaningful as it was one year ago. i have to say this blog has got to be one of my favorites, its so beautiful and i really don't have any thing else that could even try to describe it.

<3 Terra

[Marissa]

andrew you have left me semi-speechless and i have no idea what to day except: i still cannot believe it's been 1 year already; thank you for allowing me to meet incredible people, so of my closest friends and for making my life so much betterl; and thank you for being such and inspiration to me and to many many many other people, your words never cease to amaze me.

-Marissa<3

[jessica]

not only do you have your audience at bay... you bring tears to thier eyes. Andrew for that I have to utmost respect for you. A great lesson in life, is letting life take you wherever it leads. Thank you for singing to us. Thank you for making me feel like i am the only person there to sing to, even when i know you cant see anyone up there. Keep playing Andrew, the best is yet to come.

"Celebrate we will 'cause life is short but sweet for certain"

-Jessica

[Kelli Townsend]

andrew, i will probably never forget my first time flying into LA.. and i certainly won't forget the last night i spent in LA. i couldn't make it to the december 2nd show last year, but i did make it to gimme shelter, which was a week or so later.. i remember seeing you come on stage with the rest of the mannequins, and it felt so good to see you back on stage. at the same time i remember just crying and crying and crying during and after the show. i am a big baby in general, but it was like one of those happy ending moments that you see in movies.. i hear that people cry for days after seeing the movie, the notebook, you know.. haha.. i was truly so happy for you. i can understand where you're coming from when you say you love the stage, to a certain extent. if i ever become paralyzed or get carpal tunnel (which is the most likely case) and am restricted from drawing or doing any kind of art, i'd probably die. i don't know what i would do without it. art and music.. the loves of my life. but once you get back into things, you're like, wow. i really have the life. i'm really lucky. people love me, and i love them.
yeah, life is beautiful.

you ARE an inspiration to many and that won't change, ever.
take care.
we miss you & the mannequins so much.
kelli & the mom

[Jessica]

I can't believe it's already been a year. This blog was amazing, definitely one of my faves.
Thank you so much for everything you've done the past year. Going to your shows has made this an amazing year for me and I can't thank you enough.
Happy Anniversary and I can't wait until I see you again in Feb.

Take care Andrew,
Jessica

[hanna]

andrew.
you are amazing. your words are amazing.
i'm so happy you're back to doing what you love most.
it's really a great thing that you do. you make thousands of people happy with every show you play. for some, your shows are what hold them together. i haven't been to one show yet, but i know when i do it will change me forever. to see you staring into the blackness and playing your amazing music, and me in the blackness staring back at you being amazed and having my life change with every second of it.

-hanna

[Ginnie]

congratulations on an amazing year. moving blog. really. thank you

[jenessa]

Andrew
You are an inspiration to many and with your music & blogs & everything you do you amaze more people each day. There have been many times I've went to your concerts in either soco or jm with tons of problems..and once I get there they all disappear..and for 2 hours my life is perfect. Thanks for giving me that outlet of escape many times.

Keep on keepin on
Nesssa

[Sian Victoria]

a.m.a.z.i.n.g. everything you write, say, sing, do, anything...it's amazing. i'm so happy you're back and living an amazing life and doing what you do best. see you in february!
<3 Sian

[Maia]

Wow, great blog today. I think that this is one of my favorites that you have ever done. Your words just flow so naturally. You are so poetic. Keep up the good work and keep posting on your blog like this. I know me and many others enjoy it.
*Peace*
Maia

[Kiersten]

that was beautiful.
and as long as you're performing, we will always be there staring back at you.

happy one year<3
-Kiersten