A Past That's Hard to Shake

It's probably about 8pm here in Denver where I've posted up for the evening in a downtown hotel. The sound of the wall-mounted air conditioner is the only thing between me and silence now, though I doubt my mind would provide such quiet on this particular evening. I've pulled the thin curtain allowing in just enough of the city lights to remind me there is in fact a city out there. It's the kind of day where you pray for a distraction. I've never been much for anniversaries, but this one doesn't want to let me chose. It was this day last year, when the phone rang and the news was bad. This day that the doctor dug up my hip bone to find the cells were so densely packed he wouldn't be getting a good bone marrow biopsy, not that he would need one to know there was a battle ahead of me. Plane flights were booked, the parents, the girlfriend, the sister, the management, the record company, the publicist one by one arrived as the week wore on. Together we grieved, planned and tried to find peace as we awaited the news. It was hard to watch how much it affected everyone when the came through the door of that hospital room for the first time. It was hard to be the one sitting there knowing I would be spending so much time in rooms like it in the months to follow. These memories can be so overwhelming. Most days they come quickly, like a downpour in the tropics or something, but today I must admit I'm haunted. I hate that this post may come across as dark or disqualifying to the hope that has arisen from the events of my illness, but the reality is that today I feel more human than ever. And while I'm so thankful for every moment I am alive, I have to admit that at this second I feel more vulnerable to the world around me than I could ever put into words. It is an intense thing to feel so connected to the ground I am walking on and still feel so temporary. These things pass though and at this moment all I can do is feel gratitude for the fact that I am still here and that I have met so many amazing people along the way. Either way the distraction I prayed for just arrived in the form of a club sandwhich and fries, so I think I'll call it a night...A very long and perplexing night :)

Comments

[sara]

fuck you are the most amazing man on this planet

amazing post and very touching <3

[Kara]

how come you're so inspirational?

you hog all the inspiration.

(girlfirend?)

you sure can ruin a girls day

:)
just teasing

[Lesley]

It's been a long year, and this is quite an anniversary for you, Andrew. I thank God every day of my life that you are still with us and continually doing better. I know that this milestone must be a hard one, but just remember that every new day is one day further from those hard times last summer.

I love you and I can't wait to see your smiling face tomorrow in Dallas!

<3 Lesley

[Robynne]

I just read through all the comments, and I don't think I could tell you anything that you haven't heard a million times before, but I'm going to say it anyways. You are an awesome person. I can't even count how many times you and your music have helped me get through a bad day. I can't believe it's been a year. I can vividly see the ... hour or so after I heard you had leukemia. I didn't follow SoCo or JM news very much, I just listened to the music. But I was in love with the music. My sister's friend told her about it, and she told me. I couldn't believe it. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. And it just so happened that I had SoCo playing in my room, and when I walked in, it was "If I Die." That did it for me. I was bawling. I was thinking about you all night, and into the next morning.. The next day, I had the honor roll trip to Six Flags Magic Mountain, and I was trying not to cry as we waited for the bus. When I told my friends, they didn't get why I was so upset. I didn't even know you. But there was still a connection. Your music was a part of me, and you were becoming a part of me. I tried as hard as I could to support you, and I was so happy when I heard you were doing okay. My sister and her friend (the one that told us about your cancer) saw you at Slim's on Monday. I wasn't able to go, because I live 5 hours away, and it was a school night. But she recorded Rescued for me, and I made sure she took plenty of pictures. I still have yet to see you live, but I will make an insane effort to get to one. You have no idea how much you mean to me, and I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you. Thank you.

(wow... that's only slightly long. I didn't mean to type that much, but I guess it just needed to come out. ;) )

Oh, and you're a wonderful writer. I'm jealous. ;)

[Allison K.]

now i'm hungry.

and very glad you are still here with us!

[Samantha]

One Year...
Time Flys.
I'm glad you're alright Andrew. You're amazing. I remember when I heard you were diagnosed. I just couldn't imagine someone as strong as a person as you going through that. I'm really really happy that you're here.
Much Love,
Samantha

[Lauren]

In every post I read, you amaze me even more. You are one strong person and I admire you deeply.

Thanks for being you.

[Stefanie]

Oh Andrew, you always seem to have such a positive attitude about everything, regardless of what you have gone through. I think that is amazing, and I really and truly look up to you for that. Your situation actually hits close to home for me because my uncle got diagnosed with leukemia 5 years ago. Thankfully, my mom was a perfect match and his bone marrow transplant was succesful. I have to say though, it never seemed that he had such a positive attitude or was as thankful as you have been. I guess my point is, you are amazing Andrew, and this has only seemed to prove this fact. Stay strong and just remember that you have a lot of people (that you don't even know) supporting you no matter what!
Looking forward to seeing you soon in Vancouver :)

[Cassie]

I admire you so much Andrew you are so amazingly positive with everything in life. This blog no joke made me cry. I've never felt a connection with a person the way I do with you and your music and I’m so unbelievable glad that you are here with us today. you've changed my life in so many different ways and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. Take care

[Keith Kiiroja and Rhiannon Chloe]

Godspeed on all your future endeavors. I am a big fan of you in general and all that you have touched on. My 7 year old daughter is as well. Her name is Rhiannon and regretfully I am sitting at her bedside in Stony Brook University Hospital out on Long Island, NY. Sadly she was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia on May 1st and is not having the best recovery according to all the doctors here. I was hoping that you would have some feedback for me with all that you went through and now that you have bounced back I would personally like to talk to you about life after...

Just so you know you have met my daughter before. I was the house photographer for a venue called the Downtown on Long Island. Sadly that is no more. I am still photographing music in other venues and would love to work with you on a more personal level. Please, get in touch so we can chat...

[email protected]

Keith Kiiroja and Rhiannon Chloe

[Katrina]

God bless you Andrew

[alisa]

andrew, youre something my friends and i would call a neb. there are two meanings to it, but the one that my friends and i refer to means "awww you're too cute". its crazy to think about everything youve been through in the past year, but it's amazing to see how much it affected you and view on everything. if i recall correctly, you were always a positive appreciative guy, but everything that's happened jsut reinforced that and i think that's so great. this may sound wierd, but you ahve a lot of dignity adn i really respect and admire that of you.
much love
alisa

[katie]

it's hard to believe how time does fly by. and you shouldn't choose to forget this date or choose to ignore it. this was a very significant time in your life. think about it. what has happened to you has defined you (at least in a small way, if not more). you definitely would not be the same person you are. i'm a firm believer of the phrase: Everything Happens For A Reason. It's the truth. Out of everything negative emerges something positive. With you and your cancer, you were able to take a step back from your life...take a much needed breather and reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends, and your girlfriend, etc. Not to mention the fact that you were able to see that EIT was able to do really well even without much promotion on your part. it just shows that your talents can take you far. you rock out, andrew. we love you.

[Melissa]

Andrew,

A year most certainly changes everything, doesn't it? "Good to be alive" may not even cover it. I hope that the haunting feelings make way for better ones. You've always got your fans. :)

With love,
Melissa

[deandra]

wow, may 26th is my birthday...now i will think of u every year that i grow older and you do too because u made it- ur a true survivor & the world is a better place because of you- don't ever forget that.
<3 deandra

[Fredi]

I dont even know where to begin...

I know I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for you...

I am so proud of how far you have come...

I wish I could give you a hug right now...

[toby]

DON'T THINK TOO MUCH.

when something happened to me in the past and i think about it too much i just get myself into trouble. your thoughts race and your hearbeat speeds up. your physical reactions can get in the way of your mental well-being. been there. just don't think, focus on the now, and eat food. hug someone! ;]

i find myself liking meet me at my window more and more as i listen to it. lonely for her, too. im stuck in extensions for finals for the next few days, and i'm relistening to a lot of old stuff, plus, of course, EIT, and it's good (i just re-looked at the artwork, too. wow.). thanks!

[toby]

ps looking forward to 8/10! i'll be the girl with the letter :] (it's big. VERY big letter. so be afraid. very afraid :O ;p)

[Courtney]

all the love that i own is going to you

[Lorna]

Cheer up Andrew =)
You're such a strong person, it'll be ok.
This year was kinda tough on me too (nothing near what you had to go through though), but you and your courage inspired me and helped me through things. I owe ya haha
Hope to see you at a show this summer if I can get the money.
Love, Lorna

[Jessica]

Andrew,

It definitely has been a crazy year. It flew by so quickly. Seems like yesterday that I saw you perform at the TLA in Philly. I have been a huge fan for 3 years now and still can't get enough of your music.

But you are so lucky that within a year of getting the news, you are back on your feet again doing what you love.

You are such a strong and incredible person, but most people find their strength in their moments of weakness. These moments shape us into who we are and we come out stronger than we have ever thought we could be. Throughout the whole process, your outlook on things and even yourself has changed. Your words make me remember that not every day is guaranteed, and a lot of people take life for granted because there is never this realization. This line really made me realize this, "It is an intense thing to feel so connected to the ground I am walking on and still feel so temporary."

I love reading your blogs because your words just seem to flow when reading them. They are truly sincere and personal, and I thank you for sharing these deep and trivial thoughts.

Just keep doing what you are doing because it definitely seems to be working. And you deserve every ounce of recognition and success in all of this.

Love, Jes

P.S. You were AWESOME when i saw you at Irving Plaza in New York, and I can't wait until August 10th to see you play with OAR at the Tweeter Center!

[Joy]

I think we are all just as grateful as you are that you are well! We're all proud of how far you've come since last year. You'll always be a hero and an inspiration in my eyes.

I'll be seeing you in two days in Orlando!

<3 always
Joy

[Sara]

i admire you.
i know you've been through hell and you have some really dark memories but now it seems you appreciate life more than ever. the realization that we are temporary and that we're grateful for what we have is something we all need. it will allow us to be better prepared for hardships in life and to really cherish the good things. its good to sit and think sometimes...but don't let it get you down...we're all here for you and i know i personally wouldn't have gotten through a lot of things if it hadn't been for blasting your words and realizing that there's someone out there who relates. well...i have more to say...maybe next time because its finals week...joy. feel better and look forward to this year because i know we all are.

Sara

[Mike]

Dear Andrew,

Your music moves me in a way that is unmatched. You have probably heard this a million times (probably that phrase too...) anyways I do not know if you will read what I have to say.

I have been there from almost the beggining...Ever since I heard yourmusic since 1999 I have been following you and your music for the past seven years now.

The song Cavanaugh Park was what hooked me to you guys,and you...It was moving,inspiring, and just makes me shiver to this day.

You have evolved as a writer, fighter,singer, and person. I have met you on occasion after concerts but it is highly unlikely that you even remember many of your fans. But just the factyou are a down toearth person outside of being a musician makes you very wholesome.

I am very glad that you have overcome many things. And although I love Jacks Mannequinas much as I do Something Corporate,I was just wondering when you guys are going to do stuff...The last I heard from you guyswas on the Bob Dylan Tribute and North...

Its been almost three whole years since your fans have received any SoCo material...

Whats going on with SoCo? Anyways you are probably a busy man with touring and all,and I cannot wait to hear new stufffrom you everyday.I am just putting "Meet me at my window," on repeat...You make songs that hook me...

Nevertheless,takeit easy and hopefully fanswill be able to hear whats up with SoCoand what not..I think there are many fans itching for it...

You make music happy.

-Mike

[lauren]

hang in there andrew, dont feel vulnerable, you'll be just fine.
your doing supurb

:) lauren