A Past That's Hard to Shake

It's probably about 8pm here in Denver where I've posted up for the evening in a downtown hotel. The sound of the wall-mounted air conditioner is the only thing between me and silence now, though I doubt my mind would provide such quiet on this particular evening. I've pulled the thin curtain allowing in just enough of the city lights to remind me there is in fact a city out there. It's the kind of day where you pray for a distraction. I've never been much for anniversaries, but this one doesn't want to let me chose. It was this day last year, when the phone rang and the news was bad. This day that the doctor dug up my hip bone to find the cells were so densely packed he wouldn't be getting a good bone marrow biopsy, not that he would need one to know there was a battle ahead of me. Plane flights were booked, the parents, the girlfriend, the sister, the management, the record company, the publicist one by one arrived as the week wore on. Together we grieved, planned and tried to find peace as we awaited the news. It was hard to watch how much it affected everyone when the came through the door of that hospital room for the first time. It was hard to be the one sitting there knowing I would be spending so much time in rooms like it in the months to follow. These memories can be so overwhelming. Most days they come quickly, like a downpour in the tropics or something, but today I must admit I'm haunted. I hate that this post may come across as dark or disqualifying to the hope that has arisen from the events of my illness, but the reality is that today I feel more human than ever. And while I'm so thankful for every moment I am alive, I have to admit that at this second I feel more vulnerable to the world around me than I could ever put into words. It is an intense thing to feel so connected to the ground I am walking on and still feel so temporary. These things pass though and at this moment all I can do is feel gratitude for the fact that I am still here and that I have met so many amazing people along the way. Either way the distraction I prayed for just arrived in the form of a club sandwhich and fries, so I think I'll call it a night...A very long and perplexing night :)

Comments

[India]

Hey Andrew!
Nice update. :D
Thanks for the amazing show at Slim's on the 23rd. Meeting you after was amazing. I asked if you knew any other fans named India and you said no. xD

I didn't know what to say! Haha.

I can't believe it's been a year.

I'm so happy you're with us.
India

[Chelsea!!]

o god andrew.

i dont want to say i am crying....but i can't deny it...i am.

i can not express how grateful and happy that you are still here.
this day is monumental and i can only say thank you for being so optimistic in a time were most people would crumble.

thank you andrew.
take care of yourself.

chelsea

[Kate]

Andrew,

I'm so glad you're still here. I met you 3 days ago and I was thinking, "Thank God he's still here." You are so amazing. This practically brought me to tears. I was thinking today how it was a year ago that your phone call rang and your intense journey began. I just read this blog to my mom, and she would like me to tell you that she's glad you're here too, because the world would be at such a loss of an amazing person and talent. I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for the best day of my life on Tuesday. You never cease to amaze me, and I hope your club sandwich and fries are good. I just had fries myself. :)

-Kate

[Camille]

I'll have to agree with the comment above mine... the 23rd was spectacular. It's extremely hard to believe how crazy and tumultuous of a year it's been for you, after all the ups and downs, triumphs and setbacks, but... it's good to be alive. <3. I hope you liked my "I like it raw" shirt.

[Kristen]

Andrew,

I was thinking about you a lot today. This date last year I was supposed to see you play in Jersey and it was going to be my 3rd Jacks show in 4 days. I remember smiling(all the way home & into the next day haha) after the second show(in NYC) when you came over to my friend and I just to tell us you remembered what I had told you the night before about us seeing you Thursday(in Jersey) too & that you'd see us then. Then we found out you cancelled the show because of what we all thought was only a case of laryngitis and although a little disappointed, more than anything I was relieved and happy that you were taking care of yourself and not risking your voice any more than you had been. Then came June 3rd, the press release, and me running down the stairs in my house and into my kitchen where I proceeded to scream out what I had just learned and then double over because I thought I was going to be sick.
There's so much more I would say if I was actually talking to you or maybe if you were the only one reading this (haha), but basically what I'm trying to say is that this brings up a lot of memories for more people than you know. Obviously no where near the kinds of memories you & your family/friends have, but they're there and will never be forgotten. 60 years from now when you're still dancing on pianos(with the help of a stepladder & a cane ;-) haha) the painful memories will still be there, but we'll be smiling, bc we have you, and there are no words to describe how lucky we all are for that. Love you!

Have a safe and very fun tour! Can't wait to see you in August! :-)
<3

--Kris

[nicky]

as i read your blog today, i am not going to lie and say i was not crying. but i was. andrew you are an inspiration to me and i am so glad you are still here to put out amazing music. You and your music have helped me through my rough times and i want to thank you for that. Andrew you are my hero!!!!!

[Kelly K.]

I am speechless. *hug* I wish I was giving you that in person right now, but a virtual hug will have to do.

You are an inspiration!!!

<3kelly

[Lauren]

<3

[Allie]

Andrew, everyday I think about how you are still with us after this past year and I cant help but smile. I just want to give you a giant hug because you make me smile so much. Take this day and turn it into a positive one. Remember the life that you have, not the life you feared you wouldnt. :D With your incredible optimism, you have helped me see the light in dark situations.

Much love.

[Jess]

you're my inspiration.
Reminded me of the song Eternal Life by Jeff Buckley "You better turn around and blow your kiss goodbye to life eternal angel..."
keep being the beautiful person you are.
hope to see you touring australia soon.
j xx

[amanda]

last year, more around july...i had finally recieved the handwritten lyrics that i won from the JM street team. you had written down the lyrics to Bruised with that date in the upper right hand corner. it meant a lot to me that you took the time out of your day to write down some lyrics for a contest (cuz i'm sure you writing down lyrics that you've already written is kinda pointless once you know it haha).

i remember that date meant nothing to me on that piece of paper until a few months later when i read that may 26 was the day you found out the news from your doctors.

it almost broke my heart knowing that woW. all of that was happening all when you were writing down those words and drawing the pictures on that sheet. even though you must have felt every emotion all at once, you still wrote them down.

i truely cherish that piece of paper (as cheesy as that sounds) and i guess whenever i look at it, it's a reminder to me that every day goes on and even when you hit the bottom, there's only one way to go, which is up. you have to live for the moment and even when it seems like the world is falling apart, there's always tomorrow. you have been such a strong person throughout this whole year, and it's amazing. i can't wait to see you perform for a THIRD time on Sunday when you come around to dallas! SxSw was truely amazing this past spring time. i think that was the best spring break ever!

anyway, i doubt you'll read this, but if you do, i just wanted to let you know how much that simple piece of paper meant to me.

[mao]

thanks for the blogs dude. hope the allergies are better. cya sooon haha

[gwyn]

not gonna lie, im in tears

im so glad you're still here.

[Robby's Mom]

Andrew..thank you once again for recording your feelings. Your music travelled with Rob when he experienced his battle with leukemia. He went to see you at House of Blues in Boston in 2002 and you travelled through the Jimmy Fund Clinic and Boston Children's Hospital without even knowing it. You have been through an amazing journey and are a very brave man to share it. You were travelling through it before you even knew it. As I get ready to set up for a scholarship fundraiser tonight, your thoughts remind me of times and conversations I had with another remarkable young man. So if a curly haired rocker shows up in a dream and whispers a lyric in your ear, don't be alarmed, its Rob..he travels with you now.

[Merri]

Wow.

Yeah, that's all.

[Rachael]

Woah, that literally made me tear up.
You re-telling that fateful day seemed so alarming, but a reminder of life and how it can shake you around within a second..or a phone call.

[Emily]

Andrew, thanks for always keeping in touch with your concerned fans :) This year will be much better than your last, and make up for the good times you've missed. Enjoy your touring!

[Molly]

A year goes by quickly, dosen't it?

[Francesca]

You're an inspiration. Thankyou for letting us stay with you over this crazy year. I hope this one's amazing for you. You deserve it. :)

[Erin]

thank you for being absolutely amazing

[Lauren]

wow a year... that seems like such a long time... you're absolutely amazing. We love you!

Lauren

[Kelli]

my mom and i were talking about this the other day. we remember being in washington, dc for memorial weekend, computerless nonetheless, but aware that you were really sick. on my mom's birthday, we traveled to baltimore for a JM show only to find it cancelled. girls in line were yelling at the ticket-taker, and i remember having to explain to them that you were really sick; it wasn't anyone's fault- it's more important for you to get your health in order than play at a small venue in maryland. days later, the official news was announced via internet.

last night, i saw pictures from the san fran shows.. you look so healthy. you're glowing! it's hard to believe that it was just a year ago- but a lot of good came out of it. your fans instantly bonded over the summer, and, i, personally, have met many wonderful people from it. you've helped raise over thousands and thousands of dollars for pcrf.. it all adds up in the end. thank you for keeping a strong optimistic attitude for everything. you're really an inspiration to many.

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

don't stop believing!

- kelli & kelli's mom, lynn

[lauren s.]

wow, marry me.
<3

[marisssssa]

What a crazy year it has been for you Andrew, time sure does fly.
This post was, wow. Intense.
You are just truely amazing.

Glad your doing well, and feeling good.

"It's good to be alive" is right.

[Meggg]

<3
so glad everything has turned out alright.