A Past That's Hard to Shake

It's probably about 8pm here in Denver where I've posted up for the evening in a downtown hotel. The sound of the wall-mounted air conditioner is the only thing between me and silence now, though I doubt my mind would provide such quiet on this particular evening. I've pulled the thin curtain allowing in just enough of the city lights to remind me there is in fact a city out there. It's the kind of day where you pray for a distraction. I've never been much for anniversaries, but this one doesn't want to let me chose. It was this day last year, when the phone rang and the news was bad. This day that the doctor dug up my hip bone to find the cells were so densely packed he wouldn't be getting a good bone marrow biopsy, not that he would need one to know there was a battle ahead of me. Plane flights were booked, the parents, the girlfriend, the sister, the management, the record company, the publicist one by one arrived as the week wore on. Together we grieved, planned and tried to find peace as we awaited the news. It was hard to watch how much it affected everyone when the came through the door of that hospital room for the first time. It was hard to be the one sitting there knowing I would be spending so much time in rooms like it in the months to follow. These memories can be so overwhelming. Most days they come quickly, like a downpour in the tropics or something, but today I must admit I'm haunted. I hate that this post may come across as dark or disqualifying to the hope that has arisen from the events of my illness, but the reality is that today I feel more human than ever. And while I'm so thankful for every moment I am alive, I have to admit that at this second I feel more vulnerable to the world around me than I could ever put into words. It is an intense thing to feel so connected to the ground I am walking on and still feel so temporary. These things pass though and at this moment all I can do is feel gratitude for the fact that I am still here and that I have met so many amazing people along the way. Either way the distraction I prayed for just arrived in the form of a club sandwhich and fries, so I think I'll call it a night...A very long and perplexing night :)

Comments

[Brianne]

oh jees. yeah its marked on my calendar this day

<33

[Nicole]

Time really does fly by.

[stephanie]

<3

[Bri]

what a crazy year
and its so amazing that we all had no idea where everyhting would end up
but its been.. interesting
hahah

[Ali]

YOU USE A LOT OF ADJECTIVES.
But for some reason when they're all together they sound amazing.
Sounds like you're doing well<3

[Leah B.]

it's so weird to think that it's been a year. and that at this time last year, we had no idea where life would take any of us.

it's good to be in the future knowing things turned out well now...isn't it?

i'm so thankful you are well and feeling awes. see you soon, my friend :)

<3Leah

[Jordan]

sup andrew pwns me?

it has been a year since that bad event, and now it's time for a year fulla good to make up for it.

[Marisa]

This deffinetly made me tear up.
ch-ch-changesssss :)

[Jenessa (nessa)]

Heyy! you made it though & your going to keep making it & do even better in life =]] just keep smiling! cya soon
<3nessa

[stevie]

Today is quite a haunting day in numerous senses. It marks one day since I was re-evaluated by an orthopedic doctor and told my the head of my tibia on the medial side may be fractured, 17 days since that fateful moment in a crosswalk on a bustling Northern California street, and also one year from the day my grandpa passed away. May seems to have had a very ominous presence in my life the past two years, and it's certainly something that demands to be acknowledged. I agree, memories are overwhelming, but, if anything else, it's a constant reminder of how human we are, as you mentioned. So, now, as I begin to wrap up my day full of video games and sensationalist network news, I reflect on many moments, both far in the past and recently added chapters, most notably standing with you at the exit of a building on a cold San Francisco night, sharing how good it is to be alive.

And, for me, that's enough.

Stevie :)

[Amber Lea]

yayyyy for distraction.
<3

[lianne]

you never cease to amaze me.
i'll never stop looking up to you.
as corny as this all sounds
i cannot wait to see you again in 4 days.

much love
-lianne

[Jaime]

Gosh Andrew, I can't even imagine what today must have been like for you. I'm sorry that you're feeling vulnerable right now and all I can think of to say is look at how far you've made it out of what you've been through. I'm sure your days are filled with things none of us know about and I know that your illness still probably controls some aspects of your day, but just know that there are tons of people out there that love you and uplift you in our prayers and thoughts. You're an amazing man and I have no doubt that this night will pass by and you will move forward. Try and let our thoughts, prayers, and hope uplift you tonight and get some rest.

*hugs*
Love ya!
Jaime

[rhonda]

enjoy your sandwich

[tinsley]

rhondas comment wins ^^

i love you andrew.
i have more to say.
im saying it elsewhere though.

basically,
thanks for being alive.
you couldnt possibly know how important you are.

[sarah]

we are all glad your here too.
im glad your spending your time doing what you love and that you don't have to be stuck in a hospital bed. you are right where you belong and i hope you never leave us.

[Kiersten]

wow, i can't believe it's been a year.
just think how much better you are right now than you were exactly a year ago. it truly is amazing.
you've been so incredible over the past year, not just by helping yourself, but by inspiring so many of us with your lyrics and journal entries as well. instead of thinking about that phone call, think about all that you have accomplished in the past year and how much you have changed as a person. i, for one, admire you a bajillion times more than i ever have before.
keep going strong and i'm looking forward to a much better summer'06 than summer'05.
and i hope you enjoyed that club :-)

Much love,
Kiersten

ps. your entries always make my day

[Kristen]

Wow, I really don't know what to say (type). I am just glad that you made it through everything and that you are alive. You mean so much to so many people. Words can't even begin to describe how loved you are.

<3 Kristen

[Jenny]

um. i have no words, just emotion.

except. you should listen to some angels and airwaves.. good distraction, no pun intended.

[Ellen]

Wow, time really does fly. It doesn't even seem like it's been a year. This entry is truly amazing.

I can't wait to see you in Chicago!:)

Ellen

[Lizzy]

<3

[Megan]

i'm so thankful for everyday you're alive as well. it has been a crazy year yet you still never cease to amaze me.

as people have already said, time really does fly!

[Lorena]

You mean so much to a lot of people Andrew. We're all so glad you're alive. I had a few tears rolling down my face as I watched you perform these past couple of days. You are a beautiful person. I'm so glad that you're here <3.

[Tiffany ♥]

Hey Andrew, i'm sure today was a hard day for you.. but look at it this way, look at you now a year later and still going strong. you beat it and you won. so dont let today bring you down, smile and know that you were strong and didn't let it get to you =] we were all on your side Andrew and would never let the cancer win..so when you think back on 1 year ago, just know within yourself you did it and that horrible time is over <3

♥ always,
Tiffany

[holly.]

I'm so glad it's all passed and we still have you. :)